The Real Pain

I just got back from Nate's wake. I have mixed emotions. I was happy to see my high school friends again, playing poker, catching up with them, and throwing banters at each other, but when I saw Diane, I just felt all her pain.

When I went inside ready to see Nate, Diane hugged me so tight, I felt all her pain inside even if she looked alright from the outside, entertaining her friends and families. I didn't want to make her cry so I didn't say anything. I gave her a tight squeeze back and then went to see Nate. These things make me cry and I don't want the people to see that. Before Nathan had his surgery, I promised Diane that we will bombard the heavens with prayers. I told her to smile because that's what babies need, an assurance from their mothers that everything will be alright.

Nate looked peaceful. His hands were put together, he's like a little angel praying. He will always be an angel. I said a little prayer, and went outside. I couldn't take it. I told Ernel that if it had happened to me, I will send anyone who is laughing out of the chapel! I would think it's an insult seeing others laughing there at my baby's wake, telling me jokes while I'm here mourning, grieving his loss. I know death is a celebration, that a person had finally taken his rest from this world of suffering and pain, but it's hard to move and accept the changes from the things you were used to. It's hard to come home knowing it will never be how it used to be. I am the kind of person who doesn't like changes very much.

So I thanked God and I feel so blessed that I gave birth to 2 healthy baby boys who loves to touch my face, shower me kisses, and calls me "Mama" every time to remind me that they are my boys, my babies, my love, my blessings, my gifts, my happiness.

Loss is the real pain. The pain I never wish to endure.